New "normal"

My grandmother had a stroke on Wednesday. She is a fiercely independent woman. Strong is an understatement. She is competitive, even at 82. One of the first questions I asked the doctor was whether she could play Scrabble again, and his answer provoked a smile from my grandmother.

While we don't know yet how permanent the effects of the stroke will be, I am sure that life for her will now be measured in pre- and post-.

In so many of life's events, I see the trauma of the fire mirrored. It isn't the fire or the stroke or cancer or... It's the trauma. Life before. Life after. What WAS normal. What IS normal.

It's a reminder that we are constantly changing, life is always in flux. It is a reminder to be flexible, to stay on your toes, to adjust, to be WILLING to adjust.

As I watch my grandmother fight, I know this isn't how she would want to be. And I am reminded that in those days after the fire (in that YEAR after the fire), it wasn't where I wanted to be either. I wanted to will myself back to before just as I am sure she wants to will herself back as well.

I'm also reminded though that our choice isn't in the circumstances that befall us. Our choices are in the responses to those changes. Will we fight? Will we adjust? Will we accept our new normal? And in accepting that new normal, will we recognize the beauty, the opportunity, the peace that lies therein?

Peace

Peace isn't a permanent state. It exists in moments. Fleeting. Gone before we even knew it was there. Everyday we experience these moments of peace. The trick is to know when they're happening so we can embrace them, live in them.
- Grey's Anatomy, "Give Peace a Chance"

I have thought a lot about how to find peace over the last year, wanting it to be a state of being. I am sure for some Buddhist monks, peace is their normal state of being. But I am not a Buddhist monk nor am I able to maintain peace through chaos.

I am also not so naive as to believe that, at 27, I have "done my time," that this is my trauma and that I get a bye to live without chaos and sadness for the remainder of my life. Knowing what I know about unexpected moments of inexplicable grief, I believe though that I must be able to find peace, even in those moments. Peace IS fleeting. But so too is grief.

Where I found grief in sorting through the ashes of my belongings, so too did I find peace in the arms of strangers. I found laughter in the irony of that which was recognizable and tried to limit my tears for that which was not. I found peace in watching the nailing of boards, the piecing back together of my house, my life. Even if that peace was interrupted by the cries of a newborn child or the questions of another contractor, there was peace in *that* moment. There was peace the night that Dan and I sat in our house for the first time, furniture-less eating take-out because our home was not yet ours, but it was. There have been moments of peace in being able to write about our journey, peace in recognizing that it is a journey, one with no set endpoint. And there is peace dancing among the grief in the realization that on August 25, our lives changed forever and that we will never be able to go back to "before."

I find peace now, watching the leaves fall from trees I didn't have before, and with each fall of the leaf, the closing of one season and the welcoming of another. It is a new season for us too. Not one in which there is lack, but one in which there is peace. There always was peace. It was just recognizing it amidst the grief.

November 1

I wish it was ok to start decorating for Christmas. I mean, I guess I can do whatever I want. I almost had Christmas in August so why not November. But I won't. Today I will pack up my pumpkin lights and my painted pumpkin with Boo googly eyes. I will put away my painted candy box. And I will wait.

I will look at the homemade wreath on my table (that needs a flameless candle!) and wish that there were more fall decorations. I will resist the temptation to put in a Christmas CD. I will wish away the snow (because it is fall, dangit!). And I will try my best to enjoy the remainder of fall, the transition to long-sleeve shirts and sweatshirts to boots.

I will because it will make the Christmas season that more magical. The wait will be worth it. But the day after Thanksgiving, there will be decorations, a tree. I have waited over a year to celebrate Christmas in my house with my son. A real celebration. But I can wait (I guess).

Happy Halloween

From our garden to yours...


If you live in our neck of the woods, we'd love to see you and your little ones!

Snow, really?

It's October. It's not supposed to snow!

I'm just thankful that we're not building our house this year. We broke ground the middle of October, and I can't imagine our framers working in this weather.

I was hoping to get some good fall pictures with the leaves, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. How do fall pictures in the snow sound?

Holidays

I can't believe it's almost Halloween. That means that Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away and Christmas is shortly thereafter.

I had BIG plans for this year. I wanted to decorate the house and be festive. And I do have a few decorations up (I'm hoping to get some pictures). Someone gave us a fall basket last year, and it was the only real festive thing we had in our house. This year I made a wooden basket for chocolate, made a wreath for the door, and made a wreath centerpiece for the table (it needs a candle, but I am having a hard time bringing myself to buy one. I'm thinking maybe a flameless candle!). We have pumpkin lights and bought metal ghosts at Art in the Park. I have a sign that says "A witch lives here with her little monster" hanging up, and we bought a stuffed pumpkin that Kellen likes to lie his head in. (Ok, writing all of this makes me feel like we are really festive!) But we didn't go to the pumpkin patch, which has been our tradition since Dan and I started dating. We didn't carve pumpkins (though I'm *pretty* sure that we bought a carving kit - I can't remember if we carved pumpkins last year, though I know we made it to the pumpkin patch). Kellen has a costume, but he has yet to wear it, and I'm not sure he's even going to keep it on. The good news is that we have neighbors that we love who we can go trick or treating to. Last year was a bummer not to be able to go over to our neighbors' with Kellen dressed up as a monkey.

Hopefully I'll have pictures of him this weekend, but here is our little pumpkin last Halloween.

Fire ladders

We have a two story house now. And fire safety is on my mind all the time, yet we still don't have a fire ladder.

We've talked about our plan if something happens before we get one, but I know it's not enough. We need a ladder. We need to practice.

I've been looking at them on Amazon, and so far, I think I like the built in ladder better. It is permanently mounted on the window so that if there ever were a fire, all a kid would need to do is throw it out. When our kids are older, a ladder under the bed might be a perfectly fine solution. But while they are young, I worry about them figuring out how to assemble, secure, and get out! The only downside is the cost. I think we might get two of the permanent mount ladders to put in the nursery and Kellen's eventual big boy room. Then we'll get one or two of the ladders that go in the closet or under your bed for Dan's office and the laundry room. Does four ladders seem excessive?